To the voice inside my head:
You have haunted me for so long. You have ruined relationships, both romantic and platonic. You have stolen days, weeks, possibly months from my life. You have held me back from accomplishing so many things. You have drained the happiness and excitement from moments I can’t get back.
I sometimes have trouble deciphering whether you’re friend or foe. For a long time, I trusted and confided in you. I thought you were protecting me, but I’ve come to realize you were just holding me back. You fed my anxious tendencies and nourished my negative self-view. You’ve encouraged me in the most unhealthy of ways.
You talk to me in the darkest hours of the night, when not even the sweetest of songs can drown you out.. You fill the silence with your taunting remarks, your discouraging monologue. While you’re there when the whole world sleeps, you only fill my mind with untruths and fallacies. With doubt.
You’ve saved me from making plenty of mistakes, but those were my mistakes to make. You have prevented me from taking leaps of faith, and while you may have saved me from falling, you’ve also caused plenty of damage that cannot be repaired. The experiences you prevented me from having only made me naive. And while you may think you softened the blow, it was because of you that I was hit ten times harder.
You’re the worst kind of friend. You talk down to me. You’ve made me believe I’m not pretty enough, not strong enough, that he’s cheating, that she has bad intentions. Worst of all, you tell me I can’t. I can’t possibly publish a book, I can’t finish a degree — I can’t walk into a public place without hearing your criticism. You’ve clouded my vision and made it impossible to sort rational from irrational thoughts.
You’ve stolen birthdays, nights out on the town, lunches catching up with old friends. You have stood in my way for far too long.
I am not you.
I am stronger than you. And as I get to know you better, I have an easier time hearing the difference in our tones. In our beliefs. And I don’t want to know you any longer.
I want to be able to leave my apartment without a stitch of make up and not hear you tell me I’m ugly. I want to be able to spend time with friends, giving my undivided attention without questioning motives. I want to know with all my heart, that when he looks at me, I’m all he sees. I want to live without the constant question and the nagging insecurities. I want to be free. And mostly, I want to do what I know I’m capable of. I want to succeed. And I know I can’t do that with you.
It’s time I let you go.